There is part of me (okay, a big part of me) that has to admit that I am enjoying being a SAHM (or stay at home mom for those of you, like me, who have no clue what that stood for). My struggle is allowing myself to say it and really believe it. I think part of it is the fear that I will lose my identity as a career woman who will be lost forever in 'mommy' world; stuck in parent pick up lines, at PTA meetings, volunteering, play dates, grocery shopping, cooking, sitting home wondering what happened to my own dreams. But is there really anything wrong with that? For some no, for some yes, and for me, well . . . for right now the answer is no. It's all in the timing.
Today I say no because:
1. I am fortunate enough that we can afford for me to stay home
2. This is the best time in the kids lives for me to be staying home
3. I am able to continue my graduate studies while I am staying home so that I can be prepared for a career in the not to distant future
4. I have found joy in some new hobbies
Tomorrow I may say yes because:
1. Retail therapy is expensive.
2. This is the best time in the kids lives for me to NOT stay home.
3. I will be done with my degree.
4. I will have no more room to plant another damn thing or another page to scrapbook.
It really isn't as trivial as I may make it sound and I am sure that doesn't help the SAHM stereotype, but if you can't laugh at it then you are taking it way too serious. I have enjoyed helping our family adjust to moving from Arizona to Virginia and taking time to create a home. It is wonderful to be the one to see Maddy off to school in the morning and to be there when she gets off the bus in the afternoon. And now, I get to take Peyton to preschool and be there (in the parent pick up line) to pick up that boy and his huge smile! It makes my heart light. My day is not filled with disciplining other peoples children, dealing with rude parents, surprise visits from the Department of Education, preparing for staff meetings, recess duty, and putting out fires. There is something to be said for that. At the same time, I miss those things - assessing situations, killing with kindness, diffusing anger, and being a leader. It has been almost 2 years since I left my position as Site Administrator and I still find myself unable to sit still - always checking emails and messages to see if someone needs me. And sadly, fewer people need me. But my kids need me and that is what matters most and lucky them - I am here for them.
Now that Peyton is in school, even though it is only 4 days a week for 2 1/2 hours a day, I feel like I am beginning to reclaim some of myself back. It is as if I am getting to know myself all over again. I suppose if I find myself carrying on a conversation with myself then I will be in big trouble. I will complete my degree in October and be able to go back to work. That will be here before I know it, but in the mean time (and before summer break) I will enjoy my job as a SAHM and also enjoy reflecting on my life up until now. There are still a few pages to scrapbook, a children's book to finish writing, a time management book to write, and a few other projects waiting in the wings . . .
No comments:
Post a Comment