Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Breathe
Today is one of those days that I have to stop and remind myself to breathe. Not just to slow down, but also before inserting my foot into my mouth, before stepping in when the kids are arguing about something and before the holidays have come and gone.
Friday, November 12, 2010
My Internal Dilema
I am still struggling with staying home and not working. It gets easier everday and I am truly enjoying it, but I just feel like I have this hole in my spirit that needs to be filled with the joys of helping others and to bask in the small accomplishments of a school setting everyday. By enrolling in a masters program, part of that is being filled, but it is not the same. I simply do not feel 100% at peace yet.
It is nice, and healthy, to not feel the stress that I used to. I don't miss the calls first thing in the morning because a teacher needed a sub, calls from the alarm company because the alarms were going off in the building, discipline and budget issues, and the like. But in a way, I guess I do.
One of the hardest things is not having friends here. There is no outlet for me, Matt or the kids. Maddy at least has her friends from school and Peyton has met a few kids at some of the activities we do together, but at the end of the day - it is just the four of us. Maybe that is ok? I guess I haven't decided yet.
The thing I fear the most is losing motivation and momentum. I miss being challenged, not only in meeting deadlines but also in standing up for the education that each child is entitled to. It has been nice to have a few friends seek me out and ask advice about issues their own kids are having at school.
I have been trying to use this time to rejuvinate my soul, to reconnect with things that I used to love doing. It sure is hard to make yourself slow down. I teased Matt the other night that the excitement in my life consisted of watching Dancing with the Stars, playing a silly game on my phone and reading the Sunday paper. I know a lot of people would like that for themselves, but I say just be careful what you wish for unless you are prepared for the internal conflict you will deal with every day.
It is very rewarding to be able to be with the kids so much, but at the same time, it is me with the kids so much. There is no friend to call to go out with or meet up with while Matt watches them. Instead, I feel this intense guilt that I need to be at home with them. I need to get over that fast! It is as if I don't know what to do by myself anymore.
I hope that this conflict will begin to diminish as the weeks go on. I have gone so strong since I can remember that I just don't know what to do or how to change my thought patterns and habits.
Even though I do have more free time on my hands, it is amazing that my to do list sure hasn't gotten smaller or the things that were on it in Arizona are still on it.
Always an adventure . . .
It is nice, and healthy, to not feel the stress that I used to. I don't miss the calls first thing in the morning because a teacher needed a sub, calls from the alarm company because the alarms were going off in the building, discipline and budget issues, and the like. But in a way, I guess I do.
One of the hardest things is not having friends here. There is no outlet for me, Matt or the kids. Maddy at least has her friends from school and Peyton has met a few kids at some of the activities we do together, but at the end of the day - it is just the four of us. Maybe that is ok? I guess I haven't decided yet.
The thing I fear the most is losing motivation and momentum. I miss being challenged, not only in meeting deadlines but also in standing up for the education that each child is entitled to. It has been nice to have a few friends seek me out and ask advice about issues their own kids are having at school.
I have been trying to use this time to rejuvinate my soul, to reconnect with things that I used to love doing. It sure is hard to make yourself slow down. I teased Matt the other night that the excitement in my life consisted of watching Dancing with the Stars, playing a silly game on my phone and reading the Sunday paper. I know a lot of people would like that for themselves, but I say just be careful what you wish for unless you are prepared for the internal conflict you will deal with every day.
It is very rewarding to be able to be with the kids so much, but at the same time, it is me with the kids so much. There is no friend to call to go out with or meet up with while Matt watches them. Instead, I feel this intense guilt that I need to be at home with them. I need to get over that fast! It is as if I don't know what to do by myself anymore.
I hope that this conflict will begin to diminish as the weeks go on. I have gone so strong since I can remember that I just don't know what to do or how to change my thought patterns and habits.
Even though I do have more free time on my hands, it is amazing that my to do list sure hasn't gotten smaller or the things that were on it in Arizona are still on it.
Always an adventure . . .
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