PMDD

3 years ago when I went to my OBGYN and told her about some of the things I was going through, emotionally and physcially she told me I was suffering from PMDD. It was good to have a name to it and be able to take medication to help keep it in check.

It is basically PMS on steroids. There were days when I felt like I had no control of my life, I would get very angry and agitated. It was just not like me. If things don't seem right for you, I encourage you to talk to your doctor or do some research. It has made all of the difference in my life.

I thought perhaps it was postpartum depression because it happened soon after Peyton was born. However, I didn't have the alienation symptoms associated with the baby. Quite the opposite, I couldn't get enough of my baby boy. I also knew it was more than a mild depression because there were other emotions involved.

I surely hope this is not an indication of menapause. I will be in big trouble, so will Matt!

Breathe

Today is one of those days that I have to stop and remind myself to breathe. Not just to slow down, but also before inserting my foot into my mouth, before stepping in when the kids are arguing about something and before the holidays have come and gone.

My Internal Dilema

I am still struggling with staying home and not working. It gets easier everday and I am truly enjoying it, but I just feel like I have this hole in my spirit that needs to be filled with the joys of helping others and to bask in the small accomplishments of a school setting everyday. By enrolling in a masters program, part of that is being filled, but it is not the same. I simply do not feel 100% at peace yet.

It is nice, and healthy, to not feel the stress that I used to. I don't miss the calls first thing in the morning because a teacher needed a sub, calls from the alarm company because the alarms were going off in the building, discipline and budget issues, and the like. But in a way, I guess I do.

One of the hardest things is not having friends here. There is no outlet for me, Matt or the kids. Maddy at least has her friends from school and Peyton has met a few kids at some of the activities we do together, but at the end of the day - it is just the four of us. Maybe that is ok? I guess I haven't decided yet.

The thing I fear the most is losing motivation and momentum. I miss being challenged, not only in meeting deadlines but also in standing up for the education that each child is entitled to. It has been nice to have a few friends seek me out and ask advice about issues their own kids are having at school.

I have been trying to use this time to rejuvinate my soul, to reconnect with things that I used to love doing. It sure is hard to make yourself slow down. I teased Matt the other night that the excitement in my life consisted of watching Dancing with the Stars, playing a silly game on my phone and reading the Sunday paper. I know a lot of people would like that for themselves, but I say just be careful what you wish for unless you are prepared for the internal conflict you will deal with every day.

It is very rewarding to be able to be with the kids so much, but at the same time, it is me with the kids so much. There is no friend to call to go out with or meet up with while Matt watches them. Instead, I feel this intense guilt that I need to be at home with them. I need to get over that fast! It is as if I don't know what to do by myself anymore.

I hope that this conflict will begin to diminish as the weeks go on. I have gone so strong since I can remember that I just don't know what to do or how to change my thought patterns and habits.

Even though I do have more free time on my hands, it is amazing that my to do list sure hasn't gotten smaller or the things that were on it in Arizona are still on it.

Always an adventure . . .

Helpless

One week ago, Peyton and I were at play gym. It was our 4th time going. He loves it and is a natural on some of the gymnastics equipment. It's a hard core gymnastics gym, like you see great gymnasts training in, not an overpriced "kids" gym.

He tripped on a gymnastics mat and hit his mouth on low parralel bar. Instant tears and blood. I quickly scooped him up and took him into the lobby. The poor kid was in so much pain and so scared by all of the blood. We went to the emergency room (where Matt met us) so we could figure out how much damage had been done.

He was uncooperative, to say the least. It took 3 adults to hold him down so the doctor could look at his mouth. His mouth was so swollen and eventually his nose and eye turned back and blue.

We went to a dentist on Friday which was just as hard. The dentist did not get to really look at his mouth and therefore no xray. Over the weekend, the break in one of his teeth got worse and actually split his tooth into pieces (still stuck in the root).

Bring in the pediatric dentist visit on Tuesday - I searched for one that would do nitrous oxide because I knew that would be the only way anything would get done.

I had to hold him down for the initial look and 2 xrays (because the first one did not come out). Then I had to lay him down in a contraption that velcroed his arms down, legs down and held his head still. Then I had to leave the room (which was fine with me yet hard to do at the same time). They called me in not 10 minutes later and two teeth were removed, Peyton was spitting blood out of his mouth and fighting still (he didn't want gauze to stop the bleeding). The dentist was sure to tell me "he's a smart little boy".

On the car ride home, he crashed and I finally cried. I was trying to be strong for him. I felt totally helpless throughout the whole process but I knew this needed to get done otherwise it would have been so much worse.

He is fine now, of course. He is so resiliant just like most kids. The tooth fairy came for a visit and he never wants to go to a dentist again.

Now to try and get him to go back two weeks so the dentist can see how it is healing . . .

Can't Live Without

When I first started our blog, I wrote about a few products that I really liked and couldn't live without. I thought I would do it again and tell you about a few things that I love and can't live without.

Gymboree
I have bought 90% of the kids clothes from Gymboree. The sizes are accurate, clothes are high quality and if you time it right - you don't have to pay full price for anything. I shop online and love it. It will be a sad day when they no longer fit in Gymboree clothes. Good thing they have Crazy 8 that goes to a girls size 14.

Maybelline
I have gone back and forth between Maybelline and Clinique. Sure I would love to wear Clinique all the time, but I don't wear enough makeup to justify it. These Maybelline eyeshadows are awesome. It takes all the guess work out of where do I put which shade? Love them - I have the green and brown/pink ones.

Oxi Clean
The Oxi Clean stain removal products are the best. They get out everything! I use the stick, spray (if it is a wider area) and the booster.

CLR Kitchen and Bathroom Cleaner
This stuff works wonders. It makes things look so clean and is easy to use. Read the label though for safety tips when using the product.

The Perfect Brownie Pan
The name says it all. It makes awesome brownies and cleans up easily. Make sure to have plenty of Pam on hand to coat every inch of it when you use it.

What do I want to be when I grow up?

It seems as if I have had this conversation many times in my life. It's that time again. Now that we are settled in to life in Virginia, I am trying to figure out what I want to do. This blog entry will be very theraputic for me, so read on at your own risk.

It was never a question as I grew up if I would work or be a stay at home mom. I persued a masters degree to make sure that I had made numerous contacts and had major career opportunities. But life can change things around and I rolled with the punches.

When it came time for us to have children, I wanted to keep working because I wanted to be a strong role model for my daughter that she could do anything she wanted and for my son so he could see equality in all aspects of life. Things were going just great when circumstances changed and we found ourselves moving to Virginia.

I left behind a job that I loved. I poured my heart into being the Site Administrator at Legacy. I helped bring the school from Failing to Performing Plus in a 2 year span. But a new opportunity was before us and so it was time to move on.

We have been here in Virginia for 2 1/2 months. The summer was long - being home with both kids and with no support system in place. I never questioned why we moved, but I wondered if I was being the best mom and giving my kids the best experiences.

Maddy is in school now and now I turn my attention to Peyton - trying to spend quality time with him similar to what Maddy and I did when she was his age. I am able to spend time making sure our home is comfortable and a place where new memories can be made, I am trying new recipes, gardening a bit, and have at least unpacked the box of scrapbooks (no scrapbooking yet though) and have piles of books strategically placed in the house in anticipation that I will actually read them.

Now thoughts turn to what am I contributing to society besides the obvious, raising 2 wonderful kids. What if I take a break and stay home? What will I do when the kids are independent and on their own? What "work" can I go back to? Will I be out of practice in education? Theatre? Non-profit? Or any other career experience I had? Who would hire me?

I think that I have come up with a plan right now - I have applied to a job within the Prince William County School District. If I get that job, then great. I would love to do it. It is perfect for me in so many ways. But if not, we have a small business that we would like to start. I will get that going (business plan, marketing, etc.) and begin taking classes towards my masters in organizational and industrial psychology (which will directly help the business we want to start).

It's just a shame that money is always sitting on your shoulder being a little devil.

Only time will tell... In the meantime, I search for balance. That is my mantra right now; BALANCE.

Respect

As Maddy is around more children and more experiences, I have noticed a change in her level of respect towards us. I know that this is a test for her and that she is testing boundaries, but from an educator who believes wholeheartedly in character education, I am struggling with this one.

It's nothing major (things like telling us "no", pushing Peyton's buttons), but I feel that if it is not nipped now, that it could escalate. So we shall see how this all develops as her school year goes on. I can tell she is struggling with it and she knows right vs wrong but it seems to be a right of passage at this point that I was not prepared for.

Here goes to teaching respect from a loving point of view instead of out of frustration (that will be the hard part).

She did it!

Maddy completed her first day of kindergarten. All day kindergarten at that. The not home in her daily communication folder simply said she had an ok day but had a hard time in PE. I didn't know she was going to have PE otherwise I may have been able to prep her a bit. Also, I am pretty sure it was in the afternoon so she was coming off or already off her meds. More information to share with the doctor next Wednesday.

She is in an autism classroom for grades K-2 and although I know this is the best place for her, part of me is defensive because I think she would have done well in a regular ed class with supports and with a teacher who really knew differentiated instruction. But then I hear about her stuggle with PE and then I rethink my whole position. It's very interesting to see/hear others reactions though when it comes up that she is in the special ed classroom. When we arrived on campus today, the staff member directing students and parents asked what grade and when we told her, she was caught off guard in way and said oh wait, they will come out to get you. It was as if we were diseased. I am totally reading in to it, I am sure, but I find myself being defensive when it comes up. As if to say "you have a problem with that? with my daughter being in special ed?" I have a lot to learn as she embarks on this educational career.

I am interested to see how our family dynamic changes over the next few weeks as we adjust to a school schedule and as Peyton and I find our groove. I have to begin to look for outlets and social experiences for him. He is prime and ready to go!

"Devil In Disguise"

We watched a commercial on TV last night for the Nissan Altima. It was soundtracked with "Devil in Disguise" and it was a little boy tormenting everything and everyone around him. We had to rewind and watch it again because it was Peyton! See the commercial here; http://vimeo.com/14439868

We love our son so much. His sweet litttle voice and batting of his gorgeous eyelashes gets him out of a lot of trouble, but he can be a STINKER. Pushing his sisters buttons, taking a toy from her, little pokes and kicks, and lately when she says she has to go potty, he runs right in ahead of her.

I have to start looking for preschool or other social experiences. For all of our sakes!

PS He's the only "normal" one in the family.

Anticipation

No, not the Carly Simon song, it is the anticipation that comes when school begins. For us, it is kindergarten. I cannot even believe that our daughter will be starting kindergarten next Tuesday. She was in preschool for 2 years so I know she is ready academically, it's everything else that I have anxiety over; Will she make friends? Will she eat her lunch? Will she be left out? Will her teacher understand her quirkiness? Will she remember to use an "inside voice"? Will she be happy? I guess only time will tell, but this next week is going to be tough! I think more for me.

My biggest concern is relationships for her. With ADD, she tends to be too loud, in others' space, overbearing (only at times)and unfocused. Of course we will put her on meds (she has an appointment on September 15th to try something new), but will that be enough? My only wish is that she is accepted; by her teacher and peers.

Perhaps I should stop worrying so darn much and just enjoy this last week!

Thoughts?

With our daughter's diagnosis of ADD, we have chosen to try medication (along with other behavior modifications). First was Adderal. Boy we did not like that. She was an emotional wreck as she came off of the meds, which for her poor preschool teachers meant the last 20 minutes of school.

Then we tried Ritalin. It was working well. The teachers had great things to say about her progress at school and we noticed she seemed at peace almost. It was as if she could slow down enough to enjoy what she was doing and what was around her.

As the summer has progressed though, Ritalin is not cutting it. She is more agitated and emotional when coming off of it. And honestly, I don't notice a difference in any other areas.

What are others experiences with meds? I would love to have some feedback before we take her to a new pediatrician (since we moved across the country from the best Doctor in the world!).

I know some may not agree with medication and we did not put her on it hoping the ADD would "go away". Her life is very organized, routine - to a point, and she knows right from wrong and handles punishments (mostly natural consequences) as well as the next 5 year old. She just needs something else. Again, it is that moment that I can see she is engaged in the world around her because she has slowed down to enjoy it.

What's the Point?

I am starting this blog as a way to "deal" with having two wonderful children, 1 of whom is diagnosed ADD and PDD-NOS and the other who is ALL BOY. By "deal" I mean seeking out advice from others, venting, documenting and even celebrating the little things in our lives.

It's also a theraputic way to work through my own issues (undiagnosed OCD I am sure!)and to offer advice and suggestions from someone who has been on all sides of education (parent, teacher, administrator) and who has done a little bit of everything. I am living my liberal arts education to a "T". Albion would be proud.

So here's to my new adventure right now as a stay at home mom and author of this blog. Hope you enjoy.