But I didn't study for the test!

I am in the middle of one of the biggest tests I have had in a while. 

The subject - raising a boy.
The test administrator - Peyton, one 5 year old boy. 
Progress - I will get back to you on that.

My adorable son, the love of my life, the boy who will become a man that no woman will be good enough for - is testing me.  He is trying to discover his boundaries, my limits, what consequences I will dole out, and just how far his charming personality and curls will get him.  The timing couldn't be worse.  With daddy overseas, I am reaching my limit a lot faster than if I had back up.  We're talking potty mouth, hitting, disobedience, mini-tantrums, and out right devilishness.  My blood is boiling just thinking about that stinker.  And I have tried it all in dealing with it - discipline, positive reinforcement, redirection, modeling, consequences.  Sometimes with success and other times with great failure.  The thing that is getting me through it right now is thinking that it is a phase.

So if there is anyone who wants to arrange a marriage now - you have my ear.  Your daughter can have him!

What scares you the most?

When I look back over my life and think about my fears, it is interesting how they have changed and yet how some of them are the same and are simply, or not so simply, modified to fit the here and now.  As a child, I remember being afraid of death, like most kids are.  I felt that if I even thought about it then someone close to me would die.  I would not sleep on my back with my arms over my stomach because that is how I remember seeing loved ones lying in a coffin.  I also remember fearing that I would get lost or separated from my mom.  I would so desperately want to be independent and walk to the toy section on my own, but was afraid that I would not be able to find her.

These are two fears that I still have, but they are slightly altered.  I am so afraid that something will happen to me, Matt will not be around, and the kids will find me and not know what to do or who to call.  I have practiced with them how to make a phone call on my cell and who to call.  I have made sure that they know our neighbors and would feel comfortable going to them for help.  I worry, too about what if there is an emergency and someone else has to pick them up from school?  If they had to stay with someone until Matt or my parents could get to them?  Then what if something happened to one of them?  But I have to stop here, even now because I just get stuck in my head thinking about what if's.  It could go on forever, but I cannot worry about that which I cannot control.

Then I turn to Matt and the fear of loosing him.  He is in Afghanistan now and I try not to even dwell or think about what that might mean.  I know that the chances of him being hurt are slim, but there is always a chance.  He is practically in a war zone.  Would I even have the strength to go on?  How do military wives, and husbands, do this?  They do not get nearly enough credit that they deserve.  But again, I cannot worry about that which I cannot control.

There are, of course, fears about loosing any loved one or friend, but I feel that the fear I have of loosing Matt and the kids is so much that I cannot possible have the burden.  I have to put it all into perspective and know that I am a woman of character, a mother who is emotionally present in her childrens' life, and a wife who is constantly learning how to give of herself to the man who has taken her heart.  If I do not live in the present and let my fears consume me, then I have done a great disservice to my family and to myself.

Sometimes it is just so healthy to get these feelings out and share them.

Then there is my fear of birds.  Seriously, ask me about it sometime . . .

Why I am going to mommy hell

We all do it.  We tell our kids little white lies to bribe, cover our butts, provide an excuse, or to reason with.  With Matt gone, I find myself using these white lies a little bit more to help me cope.  I imagine mommy hell a place where no one picks up anything, there is a continuous mountain of laundry, the dishwasher always needs to be emptied, I have to clean the toilet almost every day because of 'bad aim', the floors always need to be cleaned, there is a butt or nose to wipe every hour, when one meal is done it is time to start the next, . . ., oh shoot.  Just realized I AM ALREADY THERE!

Here are some of the top reasons I am in and/or will be going to mommy hell.

I 'called' the Easter Bunny in front of my children and told him that I didn't think he should bring them Easter baskets.

I throw away toys/papers/drawings you name it, and tell the kids I don't know where they are.  Maybe we should do a better job of picking things up around the house.

Maddy was in to a "I don't want to die phase" so I told her that she needed to eat more vegetables, and that would help her 'not die'.

I let Peyton, who does not like breakfast food, have grilled cheese sandwiches, chicken nuggets, and other fun foods for breakfast.  Heck, some of them are better for them than cereal!

I talked to your teacher today . . . (fill in the blank).

And who can forget old favorites like:

Your head will fall off if you keep picking your nose.

Your teeth will fall out if you eat too much junk and you don't brush your teeth.




I KNOW there are more, I just can't think of them right now.  I guess I am blocking them out of my memory for fear of submerging even farther into mommy hell!