I am still struggling with staying home and not working. It gets easier everday and I am truly enjoying it, but I just feel like I have this hole in my spirit that needs to be filled with the joys of helping others and to bask in the small accomplishments of a school setting everyday. By enrolling in a masters program, part of that is being filled, but it is not the same. I simply do not feel 100% at peace yet.
It is nice, and healthy, to not feel the stress that I used to. I don't miss the calls first thing in the morning because a teacher needed a sub, calls from the alarm company because the alarms were going off in the building, discipline and budget issues, and the like. But in a way, I guess I do.
One of the hardest things is not having friends here. There is no outlet for me, Matt or the kids. Maddy at least has her friends from school and Peyton has met a few kids at some of the activities we do together, but at the end of the day - it is just the four of us. Maybe that is ok? I guess I haven't decided yet.
The thing I fear the most is losing motivation and momentum. I miss being challenged, not only in meeting deadlines but also in standing up for the education that each child is entitled to. It has been nice to have a few friends seek me out and ask advice about issues their own kids are having at school.
I have been trying to use this time to rejuvinate my soul, to reconnect with things that I used to love doing. It sure is hard to make yourself slow down. I teased Matt the other night that the excitement in my life consisted of watching Dancing with the Stars, playing a silly game on my phone and reading the Sunday paper. I know a lot of people would like that for themselves, but I say just be careful what you wish for unless you are prepared for the internal conflict you will deal with every day.
It is very rewarding to be able to be with the kids so much, but at the same time, it is me with the kids so much. There is no friend to call to go out with or meet up with while Matt watches them. Instead, I feel this intense guilt that I need to be at home with them. I need to get over that fast! It is as if I don't know what to do by myself anymore.
I hope that this conflict will begin to diminish as the weeks go on. I have gone so strong since I can remember that I just don't know what to do or how to change my thought patterns and habits.
Even though I do have more free time on my hands, it is amazing that my to do list sure hasn't gotten smaller or the things that were on it in Arizona are still on it.
Always an adventure . . .
Oh my sweet friend, I miss you. The irony is that I could have been more of a help to you now as a stay at home mom than as a teacher...
ReplyDeleteI stayed home after teaching 8 years and had my 3 wonderful kids.
It was so interesting to read your words, they could have come out of my mouth the year I quit.
You will find that spot for you again because you are searching for it and I think that is half the battle.
Finding a support group is hard...I found mine at church in those days.
I love your writing ..Keep it up, It will help you ground yourself.
The Holidays will be filled with fun things to do..I always wish I didn't work this time of year.
I love you and miss you. B.
Oh hunny... I SO feel your pain right now. I know I have family and friends close, I cant possibly imagine what it would be like to not have them just down the street when I really do need them; BUT the stay at home mom thing, while I enjoy having a flexible schedule, is tough. I find myself spending all my free time back at the school lately volunteering because I miss being there with the kids and with the crew, but I DONT miss the time clock and the added responsibilities. Most of my "friends" that I would hang with when I first left have moved now and its just me and me alone. Or they work during the day and have busy lives in the evenings, and with Brandon traveling ALOT lately its hard to hook up when the kids are at home. It can be a very lonely world.
ReplyDeleteI will say that I have recently found a few new "friends" in doing social events with Seans class and program. I dont know that I am ready to call them close friends or that we would go on a girls night out yet, but its leading that way. It is a group that understands what I go through with my little one and that we can get together and just let the kids run with no worries of akwardness when the kids act out or act "abnormal" as most other people would see it. Sean was able to have his first real "friends" party this year for his birthday and for once I was able to relax and just go with the flow because they were ALL like him and I could see we are SO not alone in this.
I hope that you are able to find someone soon, even if its just one someone to go have coffee with or go get a drink with or go to dinner with. We ALL need that. And even though I know its hard, because I have been there, dont feel guilty about taking the time for yourself. You can be a GREAT mom without it but you can be an even better mom with it. You need to be able to take time to rejuvenate yourself so that you can give them 100% of you. Otherwise after awhile you begin to feel like 1/2 a person you begin to feel split in a million directions even though you are with them all the time. You begin to feel longing to be elsewhere and not with them because you are so overly stressed and that leads to more and more guilty feelings. Take time to recharge your battery whenever possible. It is HARD but it is IMPORTANT too.
I would say if the school hasnt yet get with Maddies teacher and see if you can organize a family night or even a moms night. Pick a place and a time and just hand out fliers and whoever comes comes. You would be surprised at the turn out you will get. We did the last one at Bounce U with Pieceful Solutions and it was standing room only. The class took up donations for some of the families who couldnt afford the low group cost and we just had a blast. The parents were able to get to meet and talk while the kids just ran and ran and had a blast.
I know I have some stay at home mom friends that cant find babysitters but want to have that alone time and they have a mommies group with like 8 of them, they do a rotation, 2 stay at someones house with all the kids (so they are not alone) while the other 6 go out to lunch. They do that once a week and so about once a month you have the kids in a play date situation and 3 times a month you get to go out alone and not feel guilty about it because your child is getting some social interaction while you are gone. You may be able to organize that with some of the moms from the school. Again I know its hard because you dont know anyone there yet or very few people. I hope and pray that changes for you soon.
You are such an AMAZING person and anyone who befriends you will soon find out that their life wasnt whole without you in it. We miss you girl and hope that you are enjoying your wonderful family and that life is treating you great, or if it isnt that that changes soon. Stay in Touch! Be Strong! It will all work out. Love ya <3